"Marriage,
the last vestige of Church and State, is the testimony to our
commitment to each other and the culmination of profound love." Or is
it?
In her latest book, The Nine Phases Of Marriage: How To Make It, Break It, Keep It (read my review), bestselling author and gender expert Susan Shapiro Barash answers some of the thorniest questions on the appeal, validity, and pitfalls of the marital institution. Mrs. Barash is here today to share with Mina's Bookshelf readers the results of her illuminating and insightful study.
In her latest book, The Nine Phases Of Marriage: How To Make It, Break It, Keep It (read my review), bestselling author and gender expert Susan Shapiro Barash answers some of the thorniest questions on the appeal, validity, and pitfalls of the marital institution. Mrs. Barash is here today to share with Mina's Bookshelf readers the results of her illuminating and insightful study.
Q.
Welcome to Mina's Bookshelf, Mrs. Barash. The Nine Phases Of
Marriage is one of those books every woman needs to read before walking
down the aisle.
What should modern day brides be prepared to face after meeting Mr.
Right (or Mr. Good Enough) at the altar?
A.
Modern day brides should be prepared to face the ups and downs of our
fast paced, slick society. The delicate balance of work, romance, family
( in
laws, adult
siblings, parents), friends, interests and eventually children, is not
always easy to achieve. If the couple has been in counseling, has been
honest with
one another and has discussed the 'what ifs ' of life, they will be
better prepared. And of course, Passion and Longing, Phase One of my
study, cannot be sustained quite as it is during the courtship and
wedding period. But since romance matters to many wives,
they should consider date night and specifically carved out 'couple
time' and other ways to keep the romance going.
Q. What is it about marriage that makes it so appealing, in spite of the new challenges and complexity of the role of wife?
A.
Our society is keenly invested in marriage and in the role of the wife.
As I state in my book, it is the last vestige of church and state. It
is also
the highest form of commitment in a coupled society. It translates into
'I love you enough to spend the rest of my life with you' and this is
heady stuff, filled with promise and expectation. But wives also hold
the bar too high, young wives as well as those
in the middle years and later years. And we have to reconsider this and
be more accepting and more willing to roll with the punches. Being a
wife today is complex indeed, because the world has changed for women
these past five decades much more than for men.
And wives have one foot in the old template of wife and one foot in the
new template -- one that is not quite fully formed or understood.
Q. Alpha Wives, Beta Wives, Survivor Wives, Undivorced Wives, Happily Divorced Wives...different approaches and different expectations. Which one has more chances to see her marriage succeed and why?
Q. Alpha Wives, Beta Wives, Survivor Wives, Undivorced Wives, Happily Divorced Wives...different approaches and different expectations. Which one has more chances to see her marriage succeed and why?
A.
I have researched each of these types of wives in my study/book The
Nine Phases of Marriage, and learned that each brings a certain
attitude and
expectation to the relationship-- and some are crossovers. But
regardless of what kind of wife a woman is, it remains important to have
this identity. The majority of divorced women and widows hope for
another chance. Those wives who are in a marriage that
is somewhat disappointing and yet somewhat fulfilling hope to make
it better, to improve matters.
Q. Even when the first go at that 'endless love' fails, a second or third chance at wifedom is still regarded as more acceptable than life as a single. What is your advise for divorcee and widows who are willing to invest in a new relationship?
Q. Even when the first go at that 'endless love' fails, a second or third chance at wifedom is still regarded as more acceptable than life as a single. What is your advise for divorcee and widows who are willing to invest in a new relationship?
A.
Yes, indeed, the majority of single women hope for a second or third
chance. It is partly a societal prescription and partly hardwiring that
makes
this the case. For the second or third marriage to succeed, a woman
should have her eyes wide open in terms of children ( grown or younger,
hers and his), grandchildren, ex in laws, finances, lifestyle, ex wives
or deceased wives, and friendships. Be very
cautious and take your time, I would advise, learn about the person so
that there are no surprises-- or fewer surprises. Be alert and honest
with yourself.
Q. Marriage: sacred vow or bargain?
Q. Marriage: sacred vow or bargain?
A.
Both, sacred vow and a deal. So again, know who you are, know who he
is, know what values you share and what you can and cannot accept as
life tosses
obstacles and circumstances your way. Most women hope that marriage
will be romantic, safe, rewarding and ongoing-- a way to not be alone in
the world and to share a life.
Q. The Nine Phases Of Marriage is a guide written for women from a wife perspective. Do you think that men could benefit from reading it? Have you ever thought about interviewing a group of men about the same subject?
Q. The Nine Phases Of Marriage is a guide written for women from a wife perspective. Do you think that men could benefit from reading it? Have you ever thought about interviewing a group of men about the same subject?
A.
The Nine Phases of Marriage is a guide book for women that would prove a
guide book for men as well. I do not interview men for my books, and
learn
about them from a woman's perspective. That underscores why my work
could be a cheat sheet for men. They would glean insight into what women
want.
Q.
One last question, Mrs. Barash. Do you have a favorite charity? Any
phylantropic work you would like to share with our readers?
A. I am fond of Doctors Without Borders and Habitat for Humanity.
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| Photo Credit: James Maher |
